Me

This is my life. I’m here to tell you pieces of me. This is me.

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The Middle Piece

      My head is a bit complicated today. It’s full of pain and anger. As it always is. I look back. I compare two boys. The most serious relationships I’ve had. It doesnt compare. Not even a pinch. I wanted to have this magically fairytale. Have a love that someone would be envy of. A love that like him and I. It was good. but life got in the way and fear won in the end. We were so young. I miss him. He was gentle with me always. He would never hurt me like this one has. I want that. I want someone who understands. Who is gentle with my feelings. Who loves me unconditional. Who loves me through the bad as with good. I wanted a family so bad. And now it has left me with my dark side again. Nobody has made me feel that way. but Im strong. And I refuse for anyone to break me like that again. Im not going to break. I may cry. I may scream. But I will not be defeated. I’ve faught my way out of hell. I dont plan on going back. The difference this time is Im strong. I have someone who counts on me. I have someone who made me fight for everything. I just want to be happy. thats all. Im so far from that right now. It’s hurting. Im pleaded with myself to focus on whats important. And to not let this tear my world apart. I had the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had in my life this week. But I made it through. No meds. No one. I did it. But I do have to get myself together. This is not the end. It’s the middle. Everything will be okay.

The next day

The next day.

It hurts.

It bad.

It’s so painful.

It’s like trying to gasp for air.

But there’s nothing there.

It’s like pleading with yourself to run.

They said it will only get worse.

And you know I never listen.

I just have to pick up the pieces &

Start over.

Broken into pieces

Here we go. Something came over me. I barely had no emotion. They were shut off. So it was unexpected. I gasped for air as an anxiety attack appeared. I was suddenly angry. Angry that I’ve wasted so much time. So many tears. How does a person get that lonely and how does a person not have a breaking point? Because I do. I’ve been over my point. I wanted pain. I wanted the pain that lives deep in my soul. I could be fine. I was pushed here. Im tired of feeling lost. I failed. I needed it so bad. Just one feeling. I wanted to rip it apart. I was full of angry. So I knew I couldn’t. I took my pen and drug it down my arm. Was it the same? No. But a little. Enough to stop. My heart is racing and hurting. And I feel guilty. I said never again. I faught my way out of hell to put that away. I’ve damaged myself. And I’m scared that I can’t be fixed. This was coming. I was suffocating from my life. Certain people make me feel this. I will be okay. It will be okay. I have to be. I have so much to say. But I’m not ready. Just time to shut the head off before it does more destruction.

Chester thank you for being with me tonight as all the nights before.

Xoxo

Humanity

I’m angry. You ask why? Because it’s everything. I feel suffocating. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel everything. Every human emotion in one. I cut my emotions off 10 years ago. I was good. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t hurt like I do. I left my life. I left cutting. I said I’ll be okay. Because I was sick. Because I needed a lot of help. I left my pain. I put it away. I left my favorite band. Who helped me through all those nights where I didn’t know if I was gonna make it. I left it all. Last year, I let all of that back in. Why? Because we lost Chester. And I felt guilty. I missed out on 9 years of his life. And he was hurting. More hurt than he could handle. I been there. He saved me & no one could save him. It’s hard. I returned. I let all those emotions back. Now all the real feelings are here to stay. I guess I’m okay. Because it’s real. I have to go through it all. This time I have to fight. Like I never faught. Because isn’t that what I always do? It is. Everything will be okay

The Failure Piece

Here we go. Here I am. I’m racing. Im pacing through my head for the answers. but there’s nothing there. It’s empty. Everything I worked hard for is gone. Everything is just gone. Nothing is holding me together. No tape. The pieces are all puzzled everywhere. It’s not going away. Im craving. the sweet warm feeling down my arm. The deepest cut. Until the feeling consumes me. Im holding on by a thread. I don’t want to be around anyone anymore. Im confused. Im ready to just throw in the towel.  I dont know how to get through this. It’s never been this strong. Not since 9 years ago. I want to feel it. Bad. I want to bleed. I want to scream. Im angry. because Im not suppose to feel this way. I just need to break. you actually think a break is going to work? No. It’s not. Im broken. Im falling apart. Every piece I’ve taped back together is in pieces. I’m trying to find my way back. but a part of me wants this. needs this. I can’t even find anything to fill its place. Im a failure. I failed. I failed every best part of me. Im scared.I just want to run. but I have responsibilities to be okay. I cant fall apart. Everyone is counting on me. Everyone is depending on me. Do you know how much pressure that is? Im so unhappy. So angry. So hurt. So unbelievable miserable. And Im turning into a bad person. But you know no one notices it. Not the hurt I carry. Not the pain. Not even the tears. Im tearing the world down. I love this feeling. I rather feel sad than happy. how messed up is that? I need lp music to put me back to that night. I’ve had very bad thoughts.And I hate it.Because Im changing.But Its bad. I dont care. I want pain. I just feel fed up. I want selfish. Im tired of fixing everything. Im tired of being there for everyone. When is someone going to fix me? When is someone going to take care of me. Im suffocating..I’m feeling lost. Im unleashing. Failure. I don’t know what else to say…

XoXo

Working through the pieces

Everything is blurry in my head. My eyes are full of salty tears. My heart is racing. I’m terrified. I’m scared of this feeling. I want to go back. I’m angry. I’m hurt. And I miss them. I hate that I do. I miss how just a conversation everything would turn from hell to heaven. I need that. But I can’t have it. I’m out of place. I’ve made it this far but I feel myself pulling back. It’s like gravity. I can’t control it and that’s scary. So I need to grab on something real. I just need to breathe for a minute. I’m strong. I won’t go back but my insides ache for that dull pain. Aches for somewhere to belong. This all means nothing. It means I’m just working through my head. And once I go to sleep it will be gone. And tomorrow will be a new day. A new start. And it will be okay again.

Broken

You think you’re over something. Then in the morning of nothing. It comes crashing back. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I want a dad. I want mine. I want a apology. I want him to know my pain. Why can’t I move on? Why does it still hurt? I need help. But I’m too damn scared to get it. Dad. I need you to fix Me. Like the night I begged you to fix mom. You know how much I cried and begged you to do one thing for me. And without hestitation you did it. But now it’s for me. Take the pain from my heart away. How do I go through my life without a dad? Tell me how? I need him. I need a man who broke me into a million pieces. And shredded me until I was nothing. This is the only place I can say this. I have no one. NO ONE beside family. No one understands. Nobody knows that I cry myself to sleep. No one gets why I hold on to this. Hell, I don’t even know. I need you. I know God is forgiving. And I’m glad he is. But not sure how you forgive a man who crushed his kids. I need the dreams. I need one more time with you. Where we talk and hash it out. Where you are honest and everything. Because my only option is therapy. And I’m scared of that. Help your daughter.

The angry piece

I met a boy long ago. I fell so madly in love. It was something I never felt ever. It was more than love. It was like the need for oxygen. But I put that boy first. And when you put anyone above god. That is like taking a knife to your chest. And it was. It ended badly. I went through a lot after that. I said never again. I stayed single for a long time. I was ready to keep it that way. It’s better that way. It’s safer. But I did meet someone who changed everything. We have been together for 9 years. Married for 6. But a lifetime of fighting. He has anger issues. And sometimes he goes a little overboard with it. It comes from ADHD. But I think after awhile you can’t blame a mental illness anymore. Everyone has to take responsibility for their actions. It scares me sometimes. It scares me that maybe one day I’ll say I’m done. Because in my head. I think of what I should do. Like take care of me and my kids and not worry about the rest of the world. I try to fix everyone. But who is going to fix me? Who is going fix the broken pieces that has been glued back together again? The pieces that are cracking just beneath the surface? I’m really okay. No relap in mind. I won’t. Because I have a job to be the perfect person. But I’m just feeling tired. Tired of trying so hard. I just want to be loved and feel loved. I don’t want it to be so complicated. I want simple. Easy. Effortless. I think with everything I deserve something like that. I just needed to get this off my chest. Because I have no one to talk to. I can say that. I have no one. But I never really had anyone. But god. I’m okay though. It just means I have to try extra hard. How do you walk through life without a friend? How do you fill that void? I do know I need a change. Because I feel like I’m 17 again. And I just need to find something. I just don’t know what I’m looking for…I do know this. Writing is helping. It’s healing something that brings theses feelings of all these pieces. I may start to do it more often.

Xoxo

Picking up the pieces

10 years. 10 years since I cut. 10 years since I promised. 10 years since I made myself okay. But today. I listen to depressing music and movies. And I have no clue if that has anything to do with my mood but I fell apart. The best way to describe it is that I felt the entire world on my shoulders and it all came crashing down on me. I really don’t want to talk about this. Because I’m okay now. But I feel I need to talk. I wish I had someone to relate to, ya know? I talked to God today. And it helped. I kept asking myself Am I depressed? I don’t know. People think depression isn’t curable on it’s own. But mine was. God cured mine. But could it come back? Could I be falling in a rut? I know the only answer is God. He saved my life. And I don’t want a relapse. I’m not afraid of a relapse. Because I’m in control now. Im just searching for something and I have no clue what that is. I just hope it’s soon. But know I have hope. Always keep hope.

Xoxo